Michael’s Repentance: Correcting My Introduction and Not Hiding

The last post I made was not good. I spent too much time writing it. These posts/logs should be more off the cuff. The way I wrote the last post generally covers my problems that I can list causally off my head. (worked on it to make it better)

I know that a few people expressed that my problems are normal (supporting me when they found out about my blog series), but they aren’t.

I’m sure most of you reading this don’t know that I’m both sadistic and masochistic (S/M). I know that this alone isn’t incredibly uncommon, but I do fear that my masochism has lead me to create environments for my own failure (its a complicated and discover more all the time). Which doesn’t just hurt myself ,it also hurts the people around me and I have to change this (there are other major problems but this ties into them strongly, making them very warped). Why because I seek people out and wrap them into my world.

– I want my brothers wife because its my brother’s wife

-In addition I fear that my sadism might lead me to hurt the people I care about, especially women. Although I’ve never physically hurt anyone, the fact is that I have thoughts and desires that are strongly in this direction( it unsettles me and causes me great distress). I have real fears that I could hurt someone if I don’t keep myself in check. This is only worse by the fact that over the last few years I have come really close to crossing the line.

Thankfully I have a good friend that gave me a reality check and pointed out these problems clearly for me. That despite his serious problems worked hard with me to help me move away from that. (added this because this sounded bad, like why aren’t you doing this anymore to a reader than stops at this point. So I added what the change was, so it relieves the reader and allows them to continue reading with a better frame of mind)

Why do I fear it so much? It’s because most of it seems to be subconscious and I am extremely unaware of myself and my surroundings. I only start to release it until after I have done it. When it is beyond obvious and clear that I have done these actions. So I can’t see the actions that lead up to me creating this situation.

Now in the last few months, I have been doing much better. I’ve been really working on changing my life from the ground up. Avoiding negative inputs and working harder to change myself. So I’m really in a much more positive head space.

The peak of my negativity was around last November where I was incredibly frustrated about how a lot of my life decision went. It took alot of time from my friend Rj to really show me how bad I was and how deep it went. I mean I knew it was bad but I foolishly thought I was better than most. I saw how bad I am and how bad I could be, it is and was really scary. I feel bad that I came to this guy and placed all of this stuff on him.

So then you might ask why I’m posting his now if I’m doing a bit better. The reason is that I could easily slip back, and coming out with this blog to everyone is a way to encourage me not to.

–I’ve already started to become more productive since uploading this and making an input list. I hope this positive trend continues, I will work hard to keep it that way and make it better.

This blog series also has the side benefit of giving me a chance to examine myself and grow. I have a bad memory and I really need to keep notes to keep myself on track. Sadly, I don’t even follow that right. I still have a really long way to go. Most of me being better is just acknowledging how bad I can be and how deep it is in me. Trying to do better and learn basic life skills, like keeping notes and setting schedules. I am honestly really poor at this, I really have a long way to go.

you all (friends and fans) deserve to know this information. If I’m hiding myself all the time you really never get to meet the real me. If your a fan, a friend, or an associate I think you deserve to know these things about me. If you can’t rack with me anymore as you learn more about me and or the person who I am trying to and working as hard as I consciously can to become. I completely understand that, at least I gave you the choice.

I’m going to keep releasing these posts as I remember things that I did (especially over these last two to three years). I’ll be trying to document my journey here if you went to keep reading and growing with me.